is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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