When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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