Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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