her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
