Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
