I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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