My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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