I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
