Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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