Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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