It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
It was confusing and full of hummus
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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