at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
