My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
