Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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