If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
