Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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