Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You're like the curious george of whores
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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