Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
