So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
