I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The feeling are messing with the penis
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
