I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
