sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
