I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
