the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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