She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
