I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
