I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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