you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
