I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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