He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
