Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
