Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
