ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
