Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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