kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize