you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
