Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
