she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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