My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
