I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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