nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
