I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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