i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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