if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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