no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
