There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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