i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
