Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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