; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
