we have officially lost it.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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