Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
