I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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