I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
