She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I forget how to act sober
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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