Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
