Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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