I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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