When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
