I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
