Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
