So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
