eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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